My Immortal Part 2: The Commentary
by happymuffin
Summary: Please read the intro. Thank you.
1. Introduction

Introduction:

I'm sure a lot of people (well, maybe not a lot) have stumbled on to this fairly new "sequel" to MI. I'm new at writing fanfiction (although, I've been lurking the site since I was like, 12), and I would like to start doing commentaries, and I'm going to write one on this horrible fanfiction. Originally, I was going to do a commentary on the original MI, but I thought this would be more fun to do because the story is still in progress.

For those who don't know, this fanfiction was written by an author calling herself xxx666BagatelleIris666xxx. She has written one other fanfiction, which I would say is actually worse than this sequel, titled "Don't Jump" (after the Tokio Hotel song. Noticing a pattern?), which revolves around an emo, human version of Shadow the Hedgehog that time travels, written in exactly the same style as MI ("Enoby" and "Darko" are even in it).

Don't say I didn't warn you when I say this is the worst piece of canon-raping shit I've ever read: .net/s/7777965/1/Dont_Jump

The writer, who's name is apparently Bagatelle Iris (seriously, who names their kid that?), claims to be a fangirl of Tara Gillesbie, while at the same time claiming she has no idea who Tara is when people say she is a Tara impersonator or Tara herself. I find it a little hard to believe that after so many years of remaining dormant, Tara would just spring up in 2012 and start posting new crap to , especially since there is an account, xxxmidnitegoffxxx, who claims to be the actual "Tara," and was in fact just trolling when he (its a guy named Todd) posted MI to the site in 2006. The original bloodyrists666 account has friended xxxmidenitegoffxxx, which contributes to the possibility xxxmidnitegoffxxx is the real thing. However, Tara's account (bloodyrists666) has been hacked multiple times, and there are sources online (Encyclopedia Dramatica, for one) that claim xxxmidnitegoffxxx isn't genuine. Whatever the case, I doubt that this is actually Tara. Had she only written the MI sequel that she is writing now, I would be more curious as to whether or not she is Tara, because its very similar in style to the original MI. The problem is, "Don't Jump," despite seeming a lot like MI at first, is different. You'll get it if you've read both MI and "Don't Jump."

So, after a somewhat lengthy introduction, here is my commentary. ^_^

If people like this, I'll do one on "My Inner Life" (that Zelda crapfic) and other bad fanfiction.


	2. Chapter 1

**AN: SO SINCE MY IMMORTAL IS TEH BEST STOREH EVER IVE DECIDED TO CONTIU IT FOR TARA (SATAN BLESS HUR) **(moar like, satan fuck her in the ear for her sins against the English Language, amirite?) **CUZ IM A GENUS WRITER!**

**DO NOT FLAM IF U DO I WILL REPORT U MOTHERFUCKERZ. THX 2 EVERONE**(who?)** FOR UR HELP ON TIHS STOREH  
**

* * *

I was walking back to the Slithering **(Slytherin****, dumbshit)** common room when Draco approuched me. It was nightime wich was something I was happy about because I don't like the daytime wich is for preps.

"Hey Ebony." he said. He was looking at me with his sexy red goth eyes. I began to get all wet in the sexy blood red lace panties **(Wonder what that shit smells like)** that i was wearing under my see-through black miniskirt. **(So everyone can see Ebony's ass, since I'm assuming the lace panties don't cover much?)** i was also wearing a garter belt that made my pale long legs look really sexy and illusive **(she has inconspicuous legs...)**. i was also wearing black fishnets with lace on the top and 6 inch tall combat boots i laced up with chains. i was wearing a black half-cut chain corset that showed off my boobs and my pierced belly button... ... ... ... the piercing was a pentagram. 


	3. Chapter 2

**AN: uh... ... ... fuck u guys k? i can do whatevr terh fuk i want. im not a poser im just havng fun unlike u fat nerdy flamers and preps** (Preps have a reputation for being skinny, unlike "goffick ppl") **who have nothing bettr 2 do u guys can go fuk urselfs for all i care. **

* * *

Draco and me looked at eachother for a long time. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he wanted to fuck me so bad and I wanted to fuck him so bad. **(THEY BE HORNY) **All the preps were watching us look at eachother pashtunatly **(Pashtun? As in, people from Afghanistan**?) at the door to the common room and they were GOSSIPING ABOUT US. **(SATAN FORBID!)** We both gave them the finger and our fingernails were painted black. **(Did you predict that their fingernails would actually be painted BLACK? I could have never, and I mean NEVER, saw that coming. What a clever ruse.)** We didn't give a single fuck about what those cumdumpster **(Not that getting laid isn't the greatest thing EVAR, but Ebony fucks _everyone._ POT... MEET KETTLE)** bitches thought.

"So Ebony... ... ... do you want to have sex?" **(The author was probably getting all wet when she wrote this.)**

I smiled sexily and I showed off my straight White vampir teeth. I squinted my ice-blue eyes which were surrounded by sexy black eyeliner and roared "yeah!" all seductive and confident. I could tell Draco was rlly turned on.

Draco and I started keenly kissing eachother hardly and fastly **(not just hardly, but FASTLY TOO)**. We walked into the commonroom kissing and everyone was watching us and they were all smiling aksept Vampire who was a little jealous **(because all of the people in that common room revolve around Ebony and her "zomsatandramaticgoffixlife;" like satellites around the sun e . e)**. Wen we got into the bedroom Draco put his hands on my leg and pulled my garter belt off my stockings **(que the 70s porn music) **and then he threw me on the bed. he pulled my stockings off and got on top of me and started kissing me all over my face. He kinda fucked up my sexy Black lipstick but that was ok because he was just sooooooo sexy. He grabbed my boobs with his sexy skinny hands and he ripped my corset off and then he ripped my black leather strapless bra off. Then he ripped my skirt off and all that was left was my sexy blood red lacy thong. he ripped it off and I began to girl cum already because I was so turned on. Then Draco spread my legs apart and started eating out my unowat. I was on my period but that was ok cause Draco likes the taste of blood. **(Draco just earned his red wings. Visualize that, you little virgin pussies)**

"OH DRACO!" I moaned myseriously. **(lol)**

"SHUT UP!" He yelled sexily and he put his hand on my mouth. After he got done eating me out I got an orgasm. He kind of lifted me up a little bit and slammed me up against the wall. I scratched him and he started to bleed but he thought it was sexy. Then we were biting eachother a little bit. **(Mommy, this is getting really doity)** FINEALLY WE STARTED DOING IT and we were both like, "oh" "oh" "Oh" OH!" Draco cummed and it was over. **(What a ripoff. There was a bunch of detail about the foreplay, but then she doesn't detail the actual vagina-in-penis sex. I FEEL CHEATED)**

We were lying in bed smoking cigarettes (an: dunt u guize thing smoking is so sexy?) **(Yeah, and nothing is sexier than a lung cancer patient in a hospital nightgown. That just gets me HOT!)**

"Ebony that was so good." He said seductivly.

"Yeah I know." I said and I kissed him on his lips wich were all black now because of how long we were frenching for. "I fucking love you Draco!"

"I love you too."

"When we finally kill ourselves can you kill yourself with me" I asked kawaiily. **(Shut the fuck up and stop whining)**

"Yes." Draco said with cold pashun.

We started frenching again and fell asleep.


	4. Chapter 3

**AN: U NO HOW DIS GOES! I WILL NOT UPDATE SOON UNLESS I GET MOAR REVIOWS! FUK U IF U DONT GIV ME A REVEW  
**(The shit is being held hostage. So please, for the sake of the shit that hasn't been released, leave a reviow.)

* * *

When I woke up the next morning naked and I got out of bed anyway cause I don't give a fuck **(about... being naked ?)**. I looked at the gothic window and outside. It was snowing and there was no warmth or sun. "SUCK SATANS COCK PREPS!" I thought to myself in my head. **(I thought she wanted to suck Satan's cock. She is inconsistent.) **

Draco opened his eyes a little. He was naked (ofcourse) and he was all curled up in our goth bedsheets. His skin was so pale and white like mine. I just wanted to fuck him again. **(Ebony would fuck anything with a pulse and a penis)**

"Hey Ebony."

"Hey Draco" I said shyly even though we had just had sex for the 666th time (an: geddit?) **(God, what a comedic genius! I swear, this girl is funnier than George Carlin. Who EVER could have gotten such a clever joke.)**

"So I herd MM (an: if u dont kno wat taht means fuk u) **(I know what it means, fuck you.)** is having a concert in Hogsmeade."

"RLLY!" I yelled happy cause I love MM "Well I'm fuckin going then" I smiled.

"Great." Said Draco. "I get Crabs and Goyle to sell me some ecstasy to do while were there and maybe some heroin." **(Hopefully, they'll OD)**

"Oh SATAN I love heroin so much." I said and I grabbed my little white bag off of the gothic furniture it was sitting on. Then I took a needle and I rapped the band around my arm and INJECTED the needle with the heroin in it into my veins. Draco took the needle I had just used and stuck it in his vein cause we were so in love. **(THEY'RE BOTH MADE OF AIDS AND THEY INFECTED THE POOL)**

We were both really fucking high but both of us didn't give a fuck. But then I looked over at the gothic clock. It was made of lead **(Later, we'll learn it was Ebony's favorite chew-toy as a child. That would tie up so many loose ends) **and it had carvings all over it and in the middle it had a blood red jule. "OH SHIT!" I said and I jumped back out of bed. "Draco were late!"

"Who gives a fuck?" Draco asked.

"Draco I have professor Sinister this morning. I CAN'T BE LATE! I've never missed her class because I like her so much."

**"Fuck"** said Draco "I have Snap."

I opened the gothic wood wardrobe that looked like the one from that stupid cershtian movie with the lion and all that shit accept gothic. **(FUCK! More clothes) **I put on a black leather thong and a lacey black garter belt. Then I put on ripped up black fishnets and 7 inch platform boots that had buckels all over them and spikes on the feet. Then I put on a strapless black dress with a low neck line and it had a corset lace front that showed off my boobs. I laced it up and then I put my long black hair with red streaks into ponytails. Then I put on blood red lipstick and cool black makeup around my eyes. I put in red contacts from the hot topic in hogsmeade over my eyes even though my eyes were already really butiful. I looked really hot.

"By Draco!" I winked but gothicly to him.

"By Enoby" He said smoking anothr cigarette. He looked just like Tom Felton (an: and if u dont kno ho he is u need ta get the hell outta hurr). **(At** **least he looks like himself now instead of Gerard Way)**

I got outta the slytherin common room and I saw B'loody Mary leaning up against a wall cutting her rest.

"ohhaiyu gaizmyo" **(Fail weeaboo Japanese)** she said in Japanese but she wasn't a weaboo **(Anyone who peppers their sentences with Japanese, while not being Japanese, is indeed a weeabo) **because she wasn't ugly and fat **(Unlike whoever probably wrote this)** "You look so fuckin kawaii."

"Fangs!" I smield and looked back "YOU LOOK PRETTY HOT URSELF!"

"Fangs." She said. "Why aren't u in Sinister's class?"

"Oh" I said "Draco and I were having sex and we got high. I woke up and I got late."

"Fuck" said B'loody Maury. "That sucks prep."

"Maybe if I could get to the pensive in Dumblydoors office I could go back in time and live from there."

"You should." She said.

Suddenly... ... ... ... ... DUMBLEDICK WAS COMING DOWN THE HALLWAY! THIS PROVED HIS WASNT IN HIS ORIFACE! **(Probably his asshole)**

"What the fuck are you assholes doing?" He asked because HE HAD A HEADACHE FROM HIS BRAIN TUMOR! "GET TO CLASS!"

B'loody Mary and I looked at eachother because Dumbledick was being such a prick. "Sorry" we both said melonchololy.

B'loody Mary walked away down the hall from me and said "Saranora Ebony-Chan!"

"By!" I said back.

Once Dumblydick was out of site I sneaked **(Not snuck, BUT SNEAK)** past everyone until I was at the door to his office. I got into the spiral stair spinning thing and it transported me up to HIS office. When I wen in it wasn't gothic but it looked just like it did in the movies. He still had a poster of Avril Lavagne up to look cool. "What a poser" I thought to myself.

I saw the pensive over in the corner and I walked up to it. I took my wand wich looked really gothic and kind of like a razor blade and I held it to my head. Then that silvery shit came out and it fell in the pensive. **(I'm not going to even point out the obvious here, because it was pointed out in every commentary on the original MI.) **I could see where I was when I was supposed to be at class and I was sleeping next to draco. Just when I was about to jump in I herd a noise from behind Dumbledykes **(He's a lesbian) **desk. Then the head of a perverted freeak popped up from behind it and looked at me with HATRED! IT WAS... ... ... ... SNAP!1!


	5. Chapter 4

**AN: stup faljazming k retard prepz!; go do wat u do best liek mak a porn and swallow sum fat rich baastards old chunky jizz cuz ur not getting anythgn accopmlished here! im rlly gud at haking and im gunna hax ur computer cuz i dont liek ur flamz1!  
**(As if this utter tard is actually capable of hacking anything.)

**THANK U FER HELPIN ME RAVEN!1** (Remember, she's totally not Tara or pretending to be Tara. She doesn't even know who she is)** UR ALWAYZ THUR WEN I NEED U (an: NO IM NOT TARA!111 ALL HARDCOR GOTHIC EMO PAWNK PPL HAV FRIENDS NAMD RAVEN.** (Orly?) **IF U GO ON MUSPACKES** (Proof no one uses Myspace anymore except for serial killers and other mentally deranged people)** U WILL SEE EVER GOTH HAZ A FRIEND NAMED RAVN OR IS NAMED RAVN!1! I DONT EVEN NO TARA AND IV NEVER HERD OF HER SO SHUT TEH FUK UP!11)  
**

* * *

Snape lookd at me with extreme hatred and I knew I was pretty much screwed. **(literally)**

"What the hell are you doing here you satanic bitch?" He asked breathing hardly.

"None of your fucking businuess you pedo freak." I said back and I gave him the finger. **(Because being attracted to a fully developed 17-year-old girl is now pedophilia...)**

"Shut up." He snapped. "I asked you a qwestion and I akspect answers! I'm a teacher." He said then his lips moved a little. **(ew.)**

"I said-" I couldn't talk anymore. I was frozen and I fell on the floor but I could still see what was happening. Snope came tord me and I saw that he had his wand out. He musta stunned me and froze me and that's why is lips moved. He cast a spell. He was standing over me now and I tried to break free of the spell but I couldn't.

"Now" he said all creepy "I want you to sit there very stilly."

THEN LOOPIN CAME IN WITH A VIDEO CAMERA! **(We all know where this is going)**

"I'm gunna put this right here k snap?" he said and he put the video camera on Dumblydung's desk.

"Good" Snape moaned horribly. Then they both came over and looked at me with lustfuck **(lol) **eyes.

"HELP SOMEONE! DRACO!" I yelled cuz I was powerless now. Loopin came over and put a gag in me. **(Those kinky fuckers!)** Then he turned on the video camera.

"So are we ready?" Loopin asked.

"Fuck yes." Said Snip

"YAY!" Loopin yelled and then he started acting all psycotic.

"SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH OR DUMBELLDOOR WILL HERE U!" Snaip yelled

"srry" Said Loopin. **(Loopin is obviously the submissive)**

Then Snip and Loopin got naked. There bodys were all old and gross.

"Oh Satan it cant be." I thought in my head.

Then Snape ripped all my clothes off... ... ... AND THEY STARTED RAPING ME TOGETHER!1! I was frozen in time so I could do NOTHING! Snap started eating me out and Loopin was suckin on my boobs. Then Snape did me in the unowat and Loopin did me in the ass. Then Loopin did me unowat and Snap did me in the ass. **(Why is vagina such an unmentionable word?) **THEN THEY JUMPED ON TOP OF EACHOTHER AND STARTED DOING EACHOTHER AND FORCED ME TO SUCK THEIR BOY THINGIES. **(Lulz)**

By the end of everything I was coevered in blood and cum. **(Doesn't get much more goffick than that)** I started to cry tears of blood but they just laughed.

I'm gonna sell this for lots of moniez!1! Loopin said looking at the video smiling greedily.

Then the door opened... ... ... AND DOBY WAS STANDING THERE! He saw me all tyed up and gagged and all the blood and cum and saw me Snape and Loopin were all naked.

"I'M GOING TO TELL MASTER LUCIAN ABOUT THIS!" Doby yelled. Dobby converted to Satanism so he went back to live with Dracos family instead of being a Griffendare. **(Wasn't that already explained in the first MI, if my memory serves me correctly?)**

Snape and Loopin paniked and Loopin tawsed Snape a gun. Snaoe **(Try to pronounce that while reading continuously) **shot Dobby a bunch of times in the face and Dobby DIED! **(No shit.)** I squirmed around harder but i couldn't get out of the ties but I guess the spell must have ended cause I could moove again.

"Oh shit what are we gunna do about him." Loopin said.

"Will bury him outsideof Hargids" Snipped Snip at Loopin.

They both got dressed and took dobys body. Then there broomsticks cam threw the door and they jumped on the broomsticks and broke through Dumblydoores window and they took dobys body with them. But then Snape cam back in on his broomstick for a minute and took a YELLOW MAGICK MARKER **(As if anyone can read ANYTHING written in yellow markers) **and wrote "Draco was here" next to the broken window. Then he came down to me and wrote "Draco was here" on my body. Then he blew a slimy wet kiss at me and I RECONSILED IN HORROR. Then he flew out the window on the broom.

As I skwirmed trying to get out of the ropes I FINALLY DID. I stood up and there was this painfullness between my legs. **(POOR ENOBY! T_T LETS CRIE A RIVER OF BLUD FER HER!)** I started crying tears of blood and I took one of Dumblydoores razorblades he had to shave the hair between his eyebrows (cause hes a hairy beast) and I cut myself. My wrist blood fell on the ground and I cried. THEN I HEARD SOMEONE COMING UP THE STAIRCASE. It was... ... ... ... Professer McGonigul, **(Shits going to hit the fan. THE DRAMA IS KILLIN MEH!)**


End file.
